did i say that?
did i write on monday that i would only party when i had time to recover? i guess that was before i got a message from a guy who asked 'no party for you anymore?' and oh so cutely i responded, 'is that what my profile says?' i knew it didn't though at one time it had. that started my day off seeking a meth pipe and trying to get at least some of the more legitimate things i wanted to get done that day accomplished before we hooked up. i polished off a couple of the more mundane tasks and most importantly, scored 2 pipes and a lighter (which i forgot and had to go back for), no butane though; the guy was a pretty poor sales associate, he failed to push the add-on merchandise like he should have.
the guy came over to my place and we had an awesome time. he reminded me of someone i knew, but couldn't quite put my finger on exactly from where i remembered him. it varied with time and situation, ultimately it seemed to be a combination of tommy from 'alice' (the tv show, not the movie), a guy i hung out with from high school and a guy who worked at the comic shop i used to frequent in jersey. they were all hot blonds and i was thrilled to hang out with him/them. we did some things i hadn't tried before, like pissing on each other (usually i just drink it or take it up my ass) which was more fun than i thought it would be, and i now disagree with the piss pig from 'pigs at the hoist' who said, 'aww man, don't waste it' as a guy pissed on him instead of in his mouth; fooling around outside and getting dirty on the roof; roleplaying, which i really got into and it brought back some great high school fantasies and huffing meth and poppers back and forth, which i was nervous about but he did it and i figured it must be ok, it did give quite a rush too. we partied for over 12 hours and i was quite fucked up. the huffing meth and poppers has me a little concerned looking back on it and is the only thing i am uncertain about doing again.
he left around 9 or 10 the next morning and i thought i would be able to make it into work at 1. all was pretty good until i looked in the bathroom mirror as i was getting ready and it looked like one pupil was bigger than the other. that had me a bit concerned, so i checked the internet (bad idea) and came upon descriptions of meth overdose. the problem with that was that it said that it can be delayed and that it can come on really quickly. in no state to diagnose myself, i tried to anyway and rapidly became more and more obsessed with the size of my pupils, so this jangled my nerves and my heart began racing a bit. then i was really worried. i knew i was just being unreasonable while freaking out about it, but i wasn't certain and figured, better safe than sorry. upon reflection, calling a friend who uses, or the guy i had used with, to ask for a little advice would have been a good idea. instead i called out from work and went to the emergency room.
i was really nervous because it seemed that the moment i admitted to myself that i may have od'ed i started searching for any sign of it. so when i was thirsty and a little warm waiting in the triage area at the hospital i thought, ‘oh man they better see me quickly cause i don't know how much longer i’m going to make it.’ the nurse took my vitals, asked why i did meth and immediately showed me to a seat in the er where i was to wait. i waited about 3 hours with the growing conviction that i had not od'ed and that i shouldn't have checked the internet and just gone to work or called out and rested. i was wondering if i was being made to wait as some kind of therapy or educational experience to imbed in my brain the self-admonitions floating around concerning the stupidity of using. after 2 hours i went to ask if i was on anyone's list to be seen and they told me i was. a dr soon came over and asked why i came in and some questions about what chems i did and when i did them. she checked my pupils and she had the same problem i did in regard to figuring out if one pupil was bigger than the other. she told me that enough time had passed since i last used and it didn't seem as if i had od'ed. she gave me the message that if i keep using i will end up dead and some printouts on addiction, meth and inhalants and sent me on my way.
i left the er with the printouts, a conviction to return to the cma meetings i had gone to earlier in the summer and 2 quotes overheard at the er: one by a guy they brought in on a gurney who was obviously drunk, he said 'yeah, i was drinkin' before, and when i get out, i'm gonna drink some more.' the other by a big, somewhat burly guy, all shaken up walking past me and saying 'a fifteen year old kid od'ed. jeez!!' i have those 2 quotes written down along with my hospital wrist bracelet from that day and the note i wrote about what i had used and when i used it as well as the names and numbers of my parents and my sister in case i fell down unconscious; all this is perched atop a virgin pipe and my lighter without any fuel in it. will this little shrine dissuade me from using again? i doubt it; i went out the following sunday night to hang with some friends trying to score and looking, though somewhat half-heartedly, to use. the conviction to return to cma meetings has diminished although my therapist asked if i thought about doing so, i got a little flushed when she asked and am still not sure what i will do. i am sure that those printouts are in my apartment somewhere, but i am not sure exactly where. my little shrine still sits intact and my pipe is still virgin though for how much longer i do not know, i'm thinking it will be a while though.
the guy came over to my place and we had an awesome time. he reminded me of someone i knew, but couldn't quite put my finger on exactly from where i remembered him. it varied with time and situation, ultimately it seemed to be a combination of tommy from 'alice' (the tv show, not the movie), a guy i hung out with from high school and a guy who worked at the comic shop i used to frequent in jersey. they were all hot blonds and i was thrilled to hang out with him/them. we did some things i hadn't tried before, like pissing on each other (usually i just drink it or take it up my ass) which was more fun than i thought it would be, and i now disagree with the piss pig from 'pigs at the hoist' who said, 'aww man, don't waste it' as a guy pissed on him instead of in his mouth; fooling around outside and getting dirty on the roof; roleplaying, which i really got into and it brought back some great high school fantasies and huffing meth and poppers back and forth, which i was nervous about but he did it and i figured it must be ok, it did give quite a rush too. we partied for over 12 hours and i was quite fucked up. the huffing meth and poppers has me a little concerned looking back on it and is the only thing i am uncertain about doing again.
he left around 9 or 10 the next morning and i thought i would be able to make it into work at 1. all was pretty good until i looked in the bathroom mirror as i was getting ready and it looked like one pupil was bigger than the other. that had me a bit concerned, so i checked the internet (bad idea) and came upon descriptions of meth overdose. the problem with that was that it said that it can be delayed and that it can come on really quickly. in no state to diagnose myself, i tried to anyway and rapidly became more and more obsessed with the size of my pupils, so this jangled my nerves and my heart began racing a bit. then i was really worried. i knew i was just being unreasonable while freaking out about it, but i wasn't certain and figured, better safe than sorry. upon reflection, calling a friend who uses, or the guy i had used with, to ask for a little advice would have been a good idea. instead i called out from work and went to the emergency room.
i was really nervous because it seemed that the moment i admitted to myself that i may have od'ed i started searching for any sign of it. so when i was thirsty and a little warm waiting in the triage area at the hospital i thought, ‘oh man they better see me quickly cause i don't know how much longer i’m going to make it.’ the nurse took my vitals, asked why i did meth and immediately showed me to a seat in the er where i was to wait. i waited about 3 hours with the growing conviction that i had not od'ed and that i shouldn't have checked the internet and just gone to work or called out and rested. i was wondering if i was being made to wait as some kind of therapy or educational experience to imbed in my brain the self-admonitions floating around concerning the stupidity of using. after 2 hours i went to ask if i was on anyone's list to be seen and they told me i was. a dr soon came over and asked why i came in and some questions about what chems i did and when i did them. she checked my pupils and she had the same problem i did in regard to figuring out if one pupil was bigger than the other. she told me that enough time had passed since i last used and it didn't seem as if i had od'ed. she gave me the message that if i keep using i will end up dead and some printouts on addiction, meth and inhalants and sent me on my way.
i left the er with the printouts, a conviction to return to the cma meetings i had gone to earlier in the summer and 2 quotes overheard at the er: one by a guy they brought in on a gurney who was obviously drunk, he said 'yeah, i was drinkin' before, and when i get out, i'm gonna drink some more.' the other by a big, somewhat burly guy, all shaken up walking past me and saying 'a fifteen year old kid od'ed. jeez!!' i have those 2 quotes written down along with my hospital wrist bracelet from that day and the note i wrote about what i had used and when i used it as well as the names and numbers of my parents and my sister in case i fell down unconscious; all this is perched atop a virgin pipe and my lighter without any fuel in it. will this little shrine dissuade me from using again? i doubt it; i went out the following sunday night to hang with some friends trying to score and looking, though somewhat half-heartedly, to use. the conviction to return to cma meetings has diminished although my therapist asked if i thought about doing so, i got a little flushed when she asked and am still not sure what i will do. i am sure that those printouts are in my apartment somewhere, but i am not sure exactly where. my little shrine still sits intact and my pipe is still virgin though for how much longer i do not know, i'm thinking it will be a while though.
posted by cosmaz at 9:38 PM
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