and yet another reason why not having a self-defrosting freezer sucks

i always assumed i would go sexually nuts once i found out i was poz. evidently that is not the case, or at least not yet. i have talked to a bunch of guys online, but no one, including myself, has actually followed through. i think some of it is getting used to the idea of being poz. figuring out if/how to tell someone this intimate detail of your life when you don't even know if you have their real first name takes some getting used to or demands some thought as well. i also think the fact that i am still waiting for definitive results has something to do with this. i described myself yesterday as 'likely poz' because i do not want to accept or acknowledge being poz as long as there is that 1% chance that i am not.

i still think about sex a lot and there are a couple of guys i am hoping to get with. one has encouraged me to make some cum cubes. i had to go out and get some shot glasses because i had none. i found them in bed, bath & beyond and they are perfect. they have a more conical shape for easier, i'm assuming haven't tried yet, penetration. i didn't think it would be as good jerking off into a glass, but in some ways it is hotter. it's not as relaxing or comfortable as jerking off while lying in bed, but the idea that this cum will be used later on in what my jerk-off fantasy paint as a very hot scene is very exciting. i only bought two glasses, but i will be going back for more.

i suppose it is likely i will get the definitive results today. i tell myself it is such a ridiculously small chance it is best not to think about it too much. but my thoughts constantly return to the fantasy of hearing that the test results were a false positive and that i am still neg. i still do not see myself changing my behavior, but maybe i will. best not to go on about this because it only feeds the fantasy. i'm poz and not surprised about it at all. i knew it would happen and it did. a little sooner than i thought or would have liked, but the expected result all the same.