happy?
i just finished holleran’s grief for a book club. i found it engaging and interesting and a book i needed to read. it brought up the question of what is it to live? for me this brought up the question of addiction. what is addiction? i mean i will readily admit i am addicted to crystal meth, regardless of the length of time i have not used it, but what does that mean? is an addiction the adding of too much of something to your life that you want? is engaging in extreme sports an addiction? (haven’t i brought this up before?) what about meditating? is it just called addiction when society frowns upon the behavior? this line of questions came up when i was thinking about the characters in the book and how they were nervous about having sex and becoming infected with any std. this reminded me of a conversation i had last night with a friend who was telling me that 'so many people are catching stuff’ (tell me about it, said ironically) and i thought, what should that mean to me? i started this blog by edging towards the behavior that i wanted, or at least that i thought i wanted, and recently i have incredulously found myself typing the words ‘safe only’ and ‘no pnp’ in my online profiles though with some indication that this is only a temporary state of affairs. is this reality intruding upon my cumslut fantasy or is it me retreating from a willingness to live the life i want, or think i want, regardless of the consequences? seeing as i have played around and done some things i had claimed i would not be doing…i don’t know how to end this sentence. seeing as i have done these things what? does that indicate that one of the two options i presented above is correct? am i willing to let my cumslut fantasy wreck my life and my health, or am i willing to take some risks to satisfy my needs/wants/addictions because that is the life i have decided to lead, one in which i accept the consequences for the choices i make? who the fuck knows? as i started this post with a book i just finished i will end it with a book that i am in the middle of, liking’s the amputated memory, because the quote is one i love and believe and it is quite apropos: happiness comes from the ability each of us has to come up with convincing responses to our own questions.
posted by cosmaz at 10:09 PM
5 Comments:
Fascinating. Having read the blog in its entirety this latest post really brings it full circle. Did you think about this before you started taking loads regularly? Do you regret becoming a cumslut? Would you do anything differently if you were a redo? Did you want this as a way to overcome or get back at you ex?
Hang in there, man. I wrestle the same cumslut desires as you. Some days, I'm too busy for sex, period. Other days, I just give in and allow myself to get bred hard.
A recent psychological study concluded: It's not insanity if insane behaviour is the norm within in your societal subgroup. I think that was about bankers, but it also might apply here.
Personally I think it boils down to what some call "karma". Putting not only yourself at risk, but others, too, nursing an addiction, all that is "bad karma" sex. Sometimes fun, yeah, but the human mind needs balance. In the end you gotta do what feels right in the present. You should neither let societal norms nor self-perception (i.e. your image as a slut) dictate your behavior. Take it easy, go with the flow. Happiness comes from the ability to be at peace with oneself.
dude...
i dunno...u might need like serious help... like join a support group or sumthin...seriously :)
its all about balance... as a fellow cumslut & stoner... i cant play it str8 everyday...but i cant smoke a bowl & pigout everyday either...
supressing ur desires is unhealthy... just as much as letting them take u over is too :)
Thank you for sharing your life stories with us. I found them very moving. Hope you well in 2009.
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