thank you president's day
sunday i made my way to the east side club and had an awesome time. i got a room on the bottom floor and began with my usual walk around tour to see what was going on and to get the lay of the land. i didn’t get far. this hot guy was walking down the hall towards me and we started making out. we went to my room and had fucking fun. he was a little rough and his pits smelled and i loved it…the worst part was that i was certain that the night would only go downhill from there.
for a while that was how it seemed, but i handled it well. i have less patience with bottoms who just want to get fucked and take a load without any personal interaction. i know there is always some interaction, but there are bottoms who just want me to stick my dick up their ass and that’s it. i’m less and less interested in that. i want someone who can make me feel like they are there with me, at least for that moment. they can spit in my face or cuddle and caress, but if i am posed and slid back upon with no further interaction than that i not inclined to bother with them for long, if at all. i think this comes from my becoming more comfortable with who i am and what i want. so comfortable that i am actually willing to act on these feelings or express them to guys when i am in such a situation. there were two guys like this who i fucked for a bit and then told i needed a break; i suppose that is not exactly speaking my mind, but it’s not accepting an unfulfilling situation either, or at least not accepting it for very long (so maybe i’m not that comfortable, but i’m getting there).
then a solid guy came to my room with a not very long but very thick dick. i was uncertain as to whether i’d be able to take it or not, and when he put on a condom i was even more unsure. but he was a hot guy with a really fat dick and i try not to back down from a challenge, even if it is wrapped up in rubber. he knew how to dominate and called me a tramp and a slut and told me to look at him as he pounded my ass. that was hot, locking eyes with him as he rammed into me hard; usually my eyes are closed and head back. he told me he could go all night, and i’m sure he could have, but after what had to have been at least 30 minutes and was probably more i told him i needed a break. i didn’t want to (because it felt so good and because i don’t like to be the one to end a hot time) and kept delaying my cry of ‘uncle,’ but ultimately i did need to stop or wussed out if you want to see it another way. i told him that i’d be heading home and he expressed doubt, calling me on being a slut. i had every intention of leaving because my ass was sore as hell, but as i was drying off after my clean up shower a guy was watching from outside the bathroom area and cruising me heavily. what’s a slut to do? he came back to my room and asked for a condom. the last guy had used the last one and i was not pleased with meeting yet another responsible and safe guy, but he was nice, sexy and an excellent kisser. i hesitated as he asked if i’d wait while he went to get a condom, he told me if he fucked bare he’d be up my ass already. how could i say no? he was back in no time and it was well worth it. he came while fucking me and after he left i retrieved the condom from the garbage and got a little taste. i considered asking for it as soon as he took it off, but discretion and fear of a disgusted look kept me waiting.
now my ass was open and hungry for more and as i lay there the first guy walked by and saw that i was the slut who wouldn’t go home that he thought i was. he didn’t stop in for a second time though. at last a guy came in who had no interest in using a condom. he was hot and we fucked and flipped back and forth. neither one of us came, but had a great time. i knew it was time to go after that. three hot fucks in a row is not something i’m inclined to try to top…at least not that day.
president’s day i went to my therapist early in the day and then had dinner over a friend’s. i needed to go to the west side club afterwards to renew my membership; they had taken my card away the night before because it had expired, and evidently the prospect of walking around the city without a card i only use a couple times a month was too much to bear. i claimed that i might just stop by to renew and then go home because i was tired and had to work the next day. i can’t remember how honest i thought i was being when i said that, but you would think i would know better by now. my friend did and asked who was i kidding? evidently myself.
i renewed my card and, as expected, there wasn’t much question at all about whether i would get a room or not. i met the hot hispanic guy i had fucked the last time i was there and fucked him again. i gave him my number again and he subsequently called, although i haven’t called back to hook up yet. i also met a guy who knew me from bnskin which was cool. i was in my usual position which consists of me lying on the bed jerking my cock with my legs somewhat spread open. i try to have it both ways jerking my cock which tends to be what people notice, especially at the west side where so many have been partying and don’t get as hard as others might want, while at the same time spreading my legs so that there is at least some message going out that i’d like a nice stiff cock up my ass. he had a truly sweet ass, very open, i loved playing with it and watching it stay open a bit after i pulled my fingers out. i was fucking and rimming him for a while but confessed that i probably would not cum and he went off in hopes of finding a load. another guy or two may have stopped in, but it is the last guy of the night that this is all about.
he came in and turned down the light, i assumed he had been partying because while i usually like the light bright so people can see what i have to offer, superficially at least, many guys who have been partying prefer the lights low. he started out fucking me, he slid in bare and it was just what i needed, maybe he hadn’t been partying because there was no problem with him keeping his dick hard. then we flipped and i started fucking him. he had a nice ass, but after a short time i noticed an unmistakable smell. in the past i would have called a time out and said ‘thanks, but that’s it for me’ (or something much less generous), but recently i had been getting turned on thinking about scat (hadn’t done anything except talk to guys, cruise some scat sites and maybe play with my own while cleaning out on occasion), so i figured what the hell and kept fucking him. the smell grew steadily stronger although in the dim light it didn’t look like his ass was that dirty. he apologized for being a little dirty and i told him that it was cool. we flipped and he started fucking me again. i was taking him doggy-style and when i reached down to jerk my cock any uncertainty about how dirty his ass was was cleared up immediately. my cock was smeared and covered in shit. this was the moment of truth: i had the option of and considered freaking out and putting an end to our encounter (it’s one thing smelling someone’s shit while you are fucking him, it is another thing entirely grabbing your cock and finding it covered in shit), but i didn’t freak out, i made a conscious decision to say what the fuck, and i went with it. we flipped again and i knew that i was slipping my cock into an ass full of shit, and i really got off on it. the smell in the room must have been truly intense, but i had become used to it by that point. i would fuck him for a bit and then pull out and jerk my shitty cock and lean down towards his ass. i wanted to lick it, i wanted to eat it. if he had given any encouragement in that direction i’m pretty sure i would have. he didn’t though and i was afraid that if i did he would freak or express some disgust and i knew i couldn’t take that. it was really hot though and after a couple cycles of my jerking my cock while getting my face close to his ass and then going back to fucking him i was ready to cum. at that moment he tells me not to cum in his ass, i did pull out, but probably not as quickly as i should have and i know i shot a little inside of him, but most of it went outside. i did not mention this transgression against his request not to cum inside of him; it didn’t even occur to me that i should have mentioned it until now. he apologized for the mess and i told him again not to worry about it.
he left and i tried to figure out how to get to the shower without anyone seeing how covered in shit i was although it was just my cock and right hand for the most part. i wound up wrapping my towel loosely around myself while holding it up with my hand on the inside of the towel, awkward, but i felt it was the best way to go. i got to the back shower, no one was there and i began to clean up. it took a lot longer than i thought it would; shit, it seems, is rather sticky and takes some scrubbing to get off. a guy came in while i was cleaning up and i am sure he saw how dirty i was looking at me with disgust. i’m not really sure, but at the time i was so paranoid that there was no chance of him not noticing it in my mind. once cleaned off i went back to the room. the sheets and towels were a mess, and i wasn’t sure what to do. could i just leave the room like that? would they check who had been in that room and revoke my just renewed membership for excessive messiness? serendipitously there was an extra set of sheets left on the shelf above the clothes hooks so i decided after more debate than was probably necessary that i would change the sheets. i wrapped the dirty sheets and towels in a clean looking ball dropped them in the laundry bin on the way out and left a nice tip on my way out.
i felt sick to my stomach and somewhat disgusted as i walked out. what the fuck had i just done? i was hungry, but wasn’t sure if i could keep anything down. i walked down to the starbuck’s on union square and had some green tea, yoghurt and banana loaf; that seemed to be as stomach calming as i was likely to get after 1 in the morning. i just sat and ate, thinking about what i had just done, i was a bit freaked out. there was a guy i knew from scatboi who i desperately wanted to talk with, but when i got home he wasn’t online so i just went to bed somewhat troubled and thoroughly exhausted by an eventful weekend.
for a while that was how it seemed, but i handled it well. i have less patience with bottoms who just want to get fucked and take a load without any personal interaction. i know there is always some interaction, but there are bottoms who just want me to stick my dick up their ass and that’s it. i’m less and less interested in that. i want someone who can make me feel like they are there with me, at least for that moment. they can spit in my face or cuddle and caress, but if i am posed and slid back upon with no further interaction than that i not inclined to bother with them for long, if at all. i think this comes from my becoming more comfortable with who i am and what i want. so comfortable that i am actually willing to act on these feelings or express them to guys when i am in such a situation. there were two guys like this who i fucked for a bit and then told i needed a break; i suppose that is not exactly speaking my mind, but it’s not accepting an unfulfilling situation either, or at least not accepting it for very long (so maybe i’m not that comfortable, but i’m getting there).
then a solid guy came to my room with a not very long but very thick dick. i was uncertain as to whether i’d be able to take it or not, and when he put on a condom i was even more unsure. but he was a hot guy with a really fat dick and i try not to back down from a challenge, even if it is wrapped up in rubber. he knew how to dominate and called me a tramp and a slut and told me to look at him as he pounded my ass. that was hot, locking eyes with him as he rammed into me hard; usually my eyes are closed and head back. he told me he could go all night, and i’m sure he could have, but after what had to have been at least 30 minutes and was probably more i told him i needed a break. i didn’t want to (because it felt so good and because i don’t like to be the one to end a hot time) and kept delaying my cry of ‘uncle,’ but ultimately i did need to stop or wussed out if you want to see it another way. i told him that i’d be heading home and he expressed doubt, calling me on being a slut. i had every intention of leaving because my ass was sore as hell, but as i was drying off after my clean up shower a guy was watching from outside the bathroom area and cruising me heavily. what’s a slut to do? he came back to my room and asked for a condom. the last guy had used the last one and i was not pleased with meeting yet another responsible and safe guy, but he was nice, sexy and an excellent kisser. i hesitated as he asked if i’d wait while he went to get a condom, he told me if he fucked bare he’d be up my ass already. how could i say no? he was back in no time and it was well worth it. he came while fucking me and after he left i retrieved the condom from the garbage and got a little taste. i considered asking for it as soon as he took it off, but discretion and fear of a disgusted look kept me waiting.
now my ass was open and hungry for more and as i lay there the first guy walked by and saw that i was the slut who wouldn’t go home that he thought i was. he didn’t stop in for a second time though. at last a guy came in who had no interest in using a condom. he was hot and we fucked and flipped back and forth. neither one of us came, but had a great time. i knew it was time to go after that. three hot fucks in a row is not something i’m inclined to try to top…at least not that day.
president’s day i went to my therapist early in the day and then had dinner over a friend’s. i needed to go to the west side club afterwards to renew my membership; they had taken my card away the night before because it had expired, and evidently the prospect of walking around the city without a card i only use a couple times a month was too much to bear. i claimed that i might just stop by to renew and then go home because i was tired and had to work the next day. i can’t remember how honest i thought i was being when i said that, but you would think i would know better by now. my friend did and asked who was i kidding? evidently myself.
i renewed my card and, as expected, there wasn’t much question at all about whether i would get a room or not. i met the hot hispanic guy i had fucked the last time i was there and fucked him again. i gave him my number again and he subsequently called, although i haven’t called back to hook up yet. i also met a guy who knew me from bnskin which was cool. i was in my usual position which consists of me lying on the bed jerking my cock with my legs somewhat spread open. i try to have it both ways jerking my cock which tends to be what people notice, especially at the west side where so many have been partying and don’t get as hard as others might want, while at the same time spreading my legs so that there is at least some message going out that i’d like a nice stiff cock up my ass. he had a truly sweet ass, very open, i loved playing with it and watching it stay open a bit after i pulled my fingers out. i was fucking and rimming him for a while but confessed that i probably would not cum and he went off in hopes of finding a load. another guy or two may have stopped in, but it is the last guy of the night that this is all about.
he came in and turned down the light, i assumed he had been partying because while i usually like the light bright so people can see what i have to offer, superficially at least, many guys who have been partying prefer the lights low. he started out fucking me, he slid in bare and it was just what i needed, maybe he hadn’t been partying because there was no problem with him keeping his dick hard. then we flipped and i started fucking him. he had a nice ass, but after a short time i noticed an unmistakable smell. in the past i would have called a time out and said ‘thanks, but that’s it for me’ (or something much less generous), but recently i had been getting turned on thinking about scat (hadn’t done anything except talk to guys, cruise some scat sites and maybe play with my own while cleaning out on occasion), so i figured what the hell and kept fucking him. the smell grew steadily stronger although in the dim light it didn’t look like his ass was that dirty. he apologized for being a little dirty and i told him that it was cool. we flipped and he started fucking me again. i was taking him doggy-style and when i reached down to jerk my cock any uncertainty about how dirty his ass was was cleared up immediately. my cock was smeared and covered in shit. this was the moment of truth: i had the option of and considered freaking out and putting an end to our encounter (it’s one thing smelling someone’s shit while you are fucking him, it is another thing entirely grabbing your cock and finding it covered in shit), but i didn’t freak out, i made a conscious decision to say what the fuck, and i went with it. we flipped again and i knew that i was slipping my cock into an ass full of shit, and i really got off on it. the smell in the room must have been truly intense, but i had become used to it by that point. i would fuck him for a bit and then pull out and jerk my shitty cock and lean down towards his ass. i wanted to lick it, i wanted to eat it. if he had given any encouragement in that direction i’m pretty sure i would have. he didn’t though and i was afraid that if i did he would freak or express some disgust and i knew i couldn’t take that. it was really hot though and after a couple cycles of my jerking my cock while getting my face close to his ass and then going back to fucking him i was ready to cum. at that moment he tells me not to cum in his ass, i did pull out, but probably not as quickly as i should have and i know i shot a little inside of him, but most of it went outside. i did not mention this transgression against his request not to cum inside of him; it didn’t even occur to me that i should have mentioned it until now. he apologized for the mess and i told him again not to worry about it.
he left and i tried to figure out how to get to the shower without anyone seeing how covered in shit i was although it was just my cock and right hand for the most part. i wound up wrapping my towel loosely around myself while holding it up with my hand on the inside of the towel, awkward, but i felt it was the best way to go. i got to the back shower, no one was there and i began to clean up. it took a lot longer than i thought it would; shit, it seems, is rather sticky and takes some scrubbing to get off. a guy came in while i was cleaning up and i am sure he saw how dirty i was looking at me with disgust. i’m not really sure, but at the time i was so paranoid that there was no chance of him not noticing it in my mind. once cleaned off i went back to the room. the sheets and towels were a mess, and i wasn’t sure what to do. could i just leave the room like that? would they check who had been in that room and revoke my just renewed membership for excessive messiness? serendipitously there was an extra set of sheets left on the shelf above the clothes hooks so i decided after more debate than was probably necessary that i would change the sheets. i wrapped the dirty sheets and towels in a clean looking ball dropped them in the laundry bin on the way out and left a nice tip on my way out.
i felt sick to my stomach and somewhat disgusted as i walked out. what the fuck had i just done? i was hungry, but wasn’t sure if i could keep anything down. i walked down to the starbuck’s on union square and had some green tea, yoghurt and banana loaf; that seemed to be as stomach calming as i was likely to get after 1 in the morning. i just sat and ate, thinking about what i had just done, i was a bit freaked out. there was a guy i knew from scatboi who i desperately wanted to talk with, but when i got home he wasn’t online so i just went to bed somewhat troubled and thoroughly exhausted by an eventful weekend.
posted by cosmaz at 7:34 AM
14 Comments:
babe- turn off your blog and get some help. you are at a dead end.
I wouldn't freak so much. Tons of people get full-blown into scat. Maybe it's something a side of you wants to explore, maybe it isn't. I mean, hell, i used to freak out that i wanted cock, then i freaked out that i wanted raw cock, then i freaked out that i wanted piss. new taboo things are always alarming. as long as its voluntary and not going to get you sick, go with it.
Thanx for your weblog: I read it all in one go and was very much drawn in. I hope you do continue and I hope you don't feel your story is told now you've become poz, and I don't agree at all that your writing is at a dead end. I have just last week been told that I also seroconverted. After having raw sex for more then 25 years I had gotten the impression that it would just never happen to me. My story is, and has been for 7 years now on www.queerart.nl/log and the special section I started about my new life with the virus is on www.queerart.nl/log/poz/poz.html. It has some filling illustrations (I feel).
Ad Schuring
Delft Netherlands
I wonder why I did not comment more fully on your scat coming-out
just now. Just once more: congretulations! There's nothing hotter than a naturally lubed asshole. For many years I've thought that not cleaning it too fanatically and keeping the natural coating of the anus intact kept me from getting infected (I was wrong there). I feel many Amaricans are far too much on a hygene trip, like they tend to over-do so many things, and much prefer the Germans, the best scat party èver is at www.lab-oratory.de The cellar of the biggest dance-club of Berlin called Berghain, gathering thousands of depraved guys each week, where they have two floors above each other, only separated by a metal grid, where dozens of guys are slithering over each other covered in shit, pis, cum and vomit.
can't believe you don't blog anymore. too bad, looked forward to it. oh well.
i personally think your blog is great. i mean. ok. we're interested in extreme lifestyles. risky sexm pnp, poz sex, etc. that's it. but there are consequences to that. this is the most REAL blog on the subject matter. youre a complicated guy with complicated emotions. you cover the fantastic aspects of this lifestyle. but you also cover your inner emotions over these things too, and thats not pretty sometimes. this is a great blog. and it's helped me clarify alot of what i personally want out of sex too. it's made me clarify how dedicated i am to my sexual lifestyle. and helped me alot. thanks.
oh gosh, where are u? are u okay?
It personally greatly worries me that you're consciously topping and barebacking guys who don't know your HIV status... Get some help man, and consider other people's lives and not just your own.
I would love to direct you and your readers to the International Rectal Microbicide Working Group, an international coalition of nearly 500 advocates and scientists from 36 countries pushing for the research and development of safe, effective, and acceptable rectal microbicicides. A rectal microbicide may be in the form of a gel, lubricant, or enema and could provide protection against HIV in the absence of condoms... Check out www.irmwg.org to learn more and sign up for our listserv. Please also visit the gay men's sexual health blog --- LifeLube --- at www.lifelube.blogspot.com.There is a survey at the website www.LifeLube.org on lubes used for anal sex, top or bottom, raw or not... Please take it!
hey, been almost a year since your last entry. you okay?
Scariest thing I've read in a LONG time.
This was a pretty nasty story. I had a similar (albeit much less intense) incident about 10 years ago, and I still can't get that memory out of my head. It was awful, nothing hot about it.
As for the party in Germany: guys covered in shit, piss, cum, and vomit?
What a turn-on. Not.
Wow... just read the whole thing, and all I can think about is how sad it all seems. The sex seems boring and repetitive, and you don't even seem to be enjoying yourself-- just convincing yourself that you do, and not even doing a very good job of it.
You seem like a creative and thoughtful person as well, which makes it even sadder. I'm not trying to tell you what you should and shouldn't do, just that there are other things in the world that you could be enjoying.
But I really do hope you find happiness.
this post is a metaphor for your life.
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