how do i love thee?

is it any wonder that i am into bareback and more extreme sex? i don't socialize that much and spend way too much time on the computer. most of that time is spent on bareback sites or gay hook-up sites. i find myself attracted to the guys who are more extreme in their sexual interests. i pore over ads with bondage, fisting, chemsex, breeding and other exciting (to me) practices. in other words most of my socializing is done through the computer and most of it deals with extreme sex. so it is not surprising that i find myself getting interested or entertaining ideas or acting out more kinky and extreme seeming behavior. that is not to say that i don't like it or that i think it's bad. i just wonder if i do it because i want to or do it because i feel bad and want to do it for some problematic reason. by problematic i mean something like a lack of self esteem or a self destructive impulse. as i write this i'm thinking "we all do things for one reason or another, why is one labeled more 'problematic' than another?" i guess i worry that my decisions to engage in risky sexual behaviors or to push sexual boundaries will be ones i regret if these decisions are based on more "problematic" reasons than "natural" ones. all these quotation marks! i think it shows how uneasy and unsure i am in talking about this.

i went to the upper west side party last night and had a really nice time. as i was going home i had to think about what makes a good time for me at these events. well let's look at what the night consisted of. i had sex with a number of attractive men. i followed through and met a guy who i said i'd meet. i did talk with some guys in a friendly way about stuff other than sex. i could imagine that i had made some friends, whether i did or not remains to be seen. i think that last one is the most important to me. and i guess that brings me back to the problematic question. if i had more friends would i engage in risky/unsafe sex? i would guess not, or not as much. but i don't have more friends, aawwwwwwwwwww. poor steven. pobrecito esteban. i think i handle it pretty well and most of my time is not spent dwelling on that and the friends i do have are really wonderful and i still engage in this risky behavior so either they are not as wonderful as i say they are or i would continue engaging in this behavior regardless of how many friends i had. raise your hand if you are bored with all this navel inspecting.

what are some examples of this risky behavior that i am talking about? that's my favorite part of writing this. i get to relive my pleasant nights/early mornings. i had been invited by this poz guy i know from online. we were emailing back and forth and he said he was going to a sex party later on friday. i replied saying i was certain that he would have a good time. after sending that reply i thought that i should have been more forward and expressed more of an obvious interest in going. bless his heart and intuition he asked if i was interested in going anyway.

as soon as i got there i saw him. a hot guy, with beautiful eyes. we started fooling around right away. it was really nice. the guys there were really nice and open to playing, or touching and saying that was enough. i will definitely be back. the end of the night there were only a couple of guys left. this hot guy was really rough with my hole and then he wanted to fuck. i knew he was going to cum in me and i went for it all the way. we went through a variety of positions and as he lay on top of me he asked if he could cum in me, i told him to shoot that load up my ass. and he did. i doubt if my answer mattered one way or the other, but saying that he could cum in my ass was a step (in one direction or another). then my poz friend who was watching put his cock up my ass and started fucking me. i wasn't as sure about that, but i was turned on by it. his intuition is good as i mentioned before and when i wanted to change positions we just stopped and he got on top of my cock and rode it till he came.

i was thinking that it really doesn't make sense that i let a guy whose status i am unsure of cum up my ass but a poz guy i don't. actually it does make sense. i can at least imagine that the guy whose status i don't know is neg, while it is much harder to do with a guy i know is poz. i guess the not making sense comes in when you think of it as rewarding those who don't mention their status: if you are poz keep it to yourself and cum up my ass, but if you tell me about it, no coating my insides with cum for you.