finally, a new post...but no sex, just self-examination
i did not realize that it had been so long since i last posted. i had been a little preoccupied back in november and then i became busy with the holidays and then vacation. i suppose after that i had fallen out of the habit.
my hiatus began with a comment about my blog which while insightful was jarring to read. it was a message on bnskin from a nice guy and i am surprised that i did not save it, but not that surprised because it was a message that, regardless of how nice the sender seemed, or maybe because of how nice he seemed, i found unpleasant to read. he wrote that i seemed lonely and the story i was telling was a bit melancholy, that my addiction held lots of perils for me and that it was a shame i hadn’t found fulfillment in ways that did not involve putting myself in the risky situations that ultimately led to my becoming infected. some of these, the loneliness, the melancholy nature of my story and the dangers of crystal were things that i knew or at least thought about from time to time as true. the comment about it being a shame that i couldn’t have found a less risky way of finding fulfillment or support was not something i thought about often, if at all, but it struck a chord when i read it. i read this message over and over again becoming more depressed with each reading. i thought that he was right, that it was a shame that i couldn’t have found a better way of dealing with things. i somewhat quickly reminded myself that i had done what i wanted to do. i often thought that if i found myself in a car wreck, or some other fatal situation but a car wreck is the one that always jumps to my mind, not having had the sex that i really wanted to have i would regret it and kick myself for not doing what i wanted. i have taken the option for that sad and regret filled end off the table, possibly replacing it with another but the choice was mine to make and i made it. i could have had raw sex in a somewhat safer way, but to me letting some guy in a club slide his cock up my ass and blow a load was and still is satisfying and fulfilling enough to make the risk worth it.
as i read this post over another reason, and possibly the main reason, that this comment disturbed me so much was the sense i got that i was pitied. that is really rough for me to take, probably because i constantly worry and focus upon what others think of me. i have often wondered and occasionally worried if people think i am a misguided fool, because of the risks i take and the things i have done, not just those who read my blog, but guys i chat or hook up with also. i also wonder if this worry about others thinking i’m an idiot has anything to do with my opinion of myself. i’m sure it does, but i’m not sure how seriously to take it.
talk about mixed messages...i think i’d better just post this and let the topic go. regrets or no, fool or not it seems unlikely that i will reach anything definitive about this so i will just let it go for now. regrets are useless and fools will do what they will do regardless.
my hiatus began with a comment about my blog which while insightful was jarring to read. it was a message on bnskin from a nice guy and i am surprised that i did not save it, but not that surprised because it was a message that, regardless of how nice the sender seemed, or maybe because of how nice he seemed, i found unpleasant to read. he wrote that i seemed lonely and the story i was telling was a bit melancholy, that my addiction held lots of perils for me and that it was a shame i hadn’t found fulfillment in ways that did not involve putting myself in the risky situations that ultimately led to my becoming infected. some of these, the loneliness, the melancholy nature of my story and the dangers of crystal were things that i knew or at least thought about from time to time as true. the comment about it being a shame that i couldn’t have found a less risky way of finding fulfillment or support was not something i thought about often, if at all, but it struck a chord when i read it. i read this message over and over again becoming more depressed with each reading. i thought that he was right, that it was a shame that i couldn’t have found a better way of dealing with things. i somewhat quickly reminded myself that i had done what i wanted to do. i often thought that if i found myself in a car wreck, or some other fatal situation but a car wreck is the one that always jumps to my mind, not having had the sex that i really wanted to have i would regret it and kick myself for not doing what i wanted. i have taken the option for that sad and regret filled end off the table, possibly replacing it with another but the choice was mine to make and i made it. i could have had raw sex in a somewhat safer way, but to me letting some guy in a club slide his cock up my ass and blow a load was and still is satisfying and fulfilling enough to make the risk worth it.
as i read this post over another reason, and possibly the main reason, that this comment disturbed me so much was the sense i got that i was pitied. that is really rough for me to take, probably because i constantly worry and focus upon what others think of me. i have often wondered and occasionally worried if people think i am a misguided fool, because of the risks i take and the things i have done, not just those who read my blog, but guys i chat or hook up with also. i also wonder if this worry about others thinking i’m an idiot has anything to do with my opinion of myself. i’m sure it does, but i’m not sure how seriously to take it.
talk about mixed messages...i think i’d better just post this and let the topic go. regrets or no, fool or not it seems unlikely that i will reach anything definitive about this so i will just let it go for now. regrets are useless and fools will do what they will do regardless.
posted by cosmaz at 4:52 AM
6 Comments:
I think I'm the guy from BNSkin who wrote the message that you're talking about (I still have your response from 12/1). Sorry my message got under your skin...
What I meant - and you sorta got it, but sorta didn't... Was that when I read your blog you seemed to get into crystal because you were a bit lonely and crystal offered you friends. I know how hard it is to find friends n NYC... What I meant was that it was too bad you couldn't find fulfilling friendships and good raunchy sex without the drugs.
Maybe it's 'cause I'm not part of it (at all), but there's just something about PNP (especially when it centers around crystal) that seems really dark. I'm not a complete prude - I've got plenty of friends who smoke pot and sometimes do things like coke or X. But crystal seems (more often than not) like it's not just "recreational" - it seems to have the ability to consume people's lives. You can say you knew what you were getting into, but what were your other options? Where would you be if you had chosen a different route? Even a different route that still gave you plenty of good slutty sex...
The other thing I want to clear up is that I don't think it's necessarily bad that you put yourself in risky situations that wound up with you becoming poz. Some guys just need risky sex and it's inevitable that they'll become poz - so I've got no problem with those guys taking the risks and enjoying themselves. But when crystal's involved I wonder how much of the risk is really by choice and how much is by crystal letting down their inhibitions. Choosing to take risk I have no problem with. Taking risk only because your fucked up on drugs is what I have a bit of a problem with - that is what I find a bit sad. Maybe I read into your blog what I wanted to see, but I don't remember you choosing it, so much as feeling drawn to it...
I think it's admirable that you think about things so much. That's a really good thing and I don't mean to say that people who use crystal aren't thinking about things - I think, like you, they do think about things. But I do suspect that they do things on crystal that they wouldn't do sober. So, it's not what they're doing but the fact that they need drugs to do it that bothers me... I also wonder what else in their life they're missing out on 'cause they spend so much time doing drugs (and coming down from drugs)... As much as I like sex, I don't want to miss out on the other stuff... To me, that's the dark side of PNP...
I do sorta pity bottoms who I see getting consumed by drugs. It's a messy process and they go from being cool, interesting guys to guys who can't relate with sex partners who aren't on drugs. From a sober top's perspective it's sad to watch, and it's not much fun to fuck them... I'd much rather fuck a sober, uninhibited bottom who's just a big slut... At the same time I realize how little interaction I have with most of my bottoms and how the bottoms often need more than I can give them - but that would be different if I were single - then I could have them sleep over and spend time doing routine stuff wit them.
We all have things we regret in our lives, if you have regrets all you can do at this point is work with what you've got and not look back... Figure out how you want things to be in 6 months or a year and do what you need to do to get there...
If you think I'm full of shit - feel free to say so, or just ignore me...
yes, you are the guy, and i appreciated your message to me (under my skin is good, up my ass is better, but i know that’s not happening), it encouraged me to think about things that i had not thought about; that i preferred not to think about (and you know how i love thinking).
i agree with you 100% in respect to choosing what you want to do. some of the best advice i ever received was from a guy who told me that i should do what i want because i want to, not because i'm fucked up. i am sure that there are many people who blame, or could blame, their poz diagnosis on the use of one drug or another, crystal probably being the most common. as you mention, many people use crystal to allow themselves, in one way or another, to do things they would not ordinarily be willing to do. for the record, with the exception of lapping piss up off the floor of the bathroom at el mirage (and even that i can’t be certain i wouldn’t do with the proper mood and encouragement), i do not believe i’ve done anything on crystal, or while drunk, that i would not do while sober.
i think what we read into or get out of a text says as much about us as it does about the writer. i think i read into your initial message to me some things that i was thinking about, whether consciously or not. similarly, i think your concern about the prevalence and abuse of the drug brought you to read more influence from crystal into my behavior than i feel there was there.
thanks for your initial message and for replying here.
I think rawtop's message is one long sophist rant. He makes some fairly good points, but then for me he loses credibility when he starts talking about how most of his bottoms need more than he can give them. Please! What hubris. Th ego. I'm a total top and I never talk like this. Let's just remind ourselves in the midst of all his pontification that 1) he's a rawtop and 2) he claims to be sober. I don't think somebody who willingly engages in unsafe sex should be so patronizing toward people who aren't sober. Because being a raw top is not exactly a sober mindset. He says, "It's too bad you couldn't find fulfilling friendships and good rauncy sex without the drugs." Well maybe I could say it's too bad he can't find good raunchy sex when he's using a condom. Don't let him get to you. He's fucked up himself.
what i really hate is that there are people dying in underdeveloped countries from this disease...and so many of them didn't catch it on purpose. they would probably kill for the medications you finally broke down and accepted. it's just very disturbing that having HIV being a meth addict brings up no feelings of regret...and it's also disturbing that there are people like you out here who choose to get infected when there are others who are infected, but never got that choice. children are born and die...innocent wives and husbands and partners are infected and die, all because the person they loved couldn't use a fucking condom. or couldn't make sure they played safely.
what a hot mess.
we have an emergency on our hands -- and we each have to play our part in curtailing it. Cosmaz, I hope you're not taking crystal anymore... and that life continues to shower you with warmth and love.
Raw sex is not a drug.
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