¿porque?
what precipitated my new and constantly under internal attack policy against partying?
my friend with whom i've partied on occasions called wednesday morning to ask if i'd be around later because he would be in brooklyn. i was working, but said we could hook up later, which we did. i was nervous/anxious about the possibility of partying because while i had the next day off i had 3 doctor’s appointments that day and did not think that partying would be a good way to prepare for these visits. well, my worries eased a bit when he told me he had just gotten out of detox and was waiting to go into rehab. i was smiling and happy even though a little voice in the back of my mind said 'damn!' that little voice shouted 'hooray!' when i popped into the bedroom to see what he was doing and he was getting the pipe and torch out. we partied and had a great time. it was the first time i had had sex in over a month and i enjoyed it. i sucked him a lot and we tried a small dildo out on me which worked out better than i expected. i wasn't feeling much pain at that point anyway so i don't know what my reaction would have been had i not been partying. i didn't get to take his cock up my ass which was very disappointing, especially as i knew he would have given me a nice bump with the tina piss he would have shot up there.
i ended up missing my appointment with the vaccine study at nyu but did meet with the surgeon as a follow up to my operation and had my session with my therapist. both went well, my surgeon was running late so she just took a look at my ass said it was coming along nicely, answered my questions, sex is ok as long as i can take the pain, and told me to call her if i needed anything. i don't think she noticed anything was out of the ordinary. my therapist i am certain would have noticed, but i told her starting out that i had partied anyway so that was pretty much what we talked about.
when i got home i gave my friend a call and he said he was going into rehab the next day and was in the process of cleaning his apartment so there wouldn't be any booby traps when he got back. i realized he meant any supply or paraphernalia that would trigger a return to using. he got a call from his doctor and had to go. i was thinking maybe i could go over and take any booby traps off of his hands. as i thought this i was at the same time thinking that it was not a good sign of restraint that i was willing to call a car service to cart me over to manhattan to pick up some meth paraphernalia although i hadn't slept in over 36 hours and had a storytime scheduled for the next morning.
this was the first time i ever missed anything because of my partying. this was also the first time i saw how difficult it can be to give crystal up. my desire on thursday night to go and pick up a meth pipe made me think that i am closer to becoming more of a user than i want to be. and lastly, if i want to stay off meds and get my cd4 up and vl down i need to stop using.
i still want to use meth. i am counting on my desire not to use it to keep me clean, at least for the summer and then we will see how the rest of the year goes. see how hard this is for me?
my friend with whom i've partied on occasions called wednesday morning to ask if i'd be around later because he would be in brooklyn. i was working, but said we could hook up later, which we did. i was nervous/anxious about the possibility of partying because while i had the next day off i had 3 doctor’s appointments that day and did not think that partying would be a good way to prepare for these visits. well, my worries eased a bit when he told me he had just gotten out of detox and was waiting to go into rehab. i was smiling and happy even though a little voice in the back of my mind said 'damn!' that little voice shouted 'hooray!' when i popped into the bedroom to see what he was doing and he was getting the pipe and torch out. we partied and had a great time. it was the first time i had had sex in over a month and i enjoyed it. i sucked him a lot and we tried a small dildo out on me which worked out better than i expected. i wasn't feeling much pain at that point anyway so i don't know what my reaction would have been had i not been partying. i didn't get to take his cock up my ass which was very disappointing, especially as i knew he would have given me a nice bump with the tina piss he would have shot up there.
i ended up missing my appointment with the vaccine study at nyu but did meet with the surgeon as a follow up to my operation and had my session with my therapist. both went well, my surgeon was running late so she just took a look at my ass said it was coming along nicely, answered my questions, sex is ok as long as i can take the pain, and told me to call her if i needed anything. i don't think she noticed anything was out of the ordinary. my therapist i am certain would have noticed, but i told her starting out that i had partied anyway so that was pretty much what we talked about.
when i got home i gave my friend a call and he said he was going into rehab the next day and was in the process of cleaning his apartment so there wouldn't be any booby traps when he got back. i realized he meant any supply or paraphernalia that would trigger a return to using. he got a call from his doctor and had to go. i was thinking maybe i could go over and take any booby traps off of his hands. as i thought this i was at the same time thinking that it was not a good sign of restraint that i was willing to call a car service to cart me over to manhattan to pick up some meth paraphernalia although i hadn't slept in over 36 hours and had a storytime scheduled for the next morning.
this was the first time i ever missed anything because of my partying. this was also the first time i saw how difficult it can be to give crystal up. my desire on thursday night to go and pick up a meth pipe made me think that i am closer to becoming more of a user than i want to be. and lastly, if i want to stay off meds and get my cd4 up and vl down i need to stop using.
i still want to use meth. i am counting on my desire not to use it to keep me clean, at least for the summer and then we will see how the rest of the year goes. see how hard this is for me?
posted by cosmaz at 6:09 AM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home