a light at the end of the tunnel

that light, it seems, will be accompanied by a scalpel, blood and a good deal of pain, but it is a light nonetheless and i am happy about it. although my olive has shrunk to the size of a large lima bean it doesn't look like it is ever going to go away on its own so i have accepted surgery as the route to take. i was expecting to have a date for my surgery waiting among my messages (a bit optimistic, but there are always telemarketers) when i arrived home yesterday. of course there was no message, except for the telemarketers, so i need to call later today to see what the story is. on a side note, with the first name 'alex', i assumed the doctor was a man, but she wasn't. i wonder if she writes her name as 'alex' to give weight to the assumption many have that doctors are men, or if that's just how she refers to herself? i assume she wants people to assume she is a man

i also got to see my hiv specialist this week. i felt so happy that finally someone is going to start looking after me in regards to my hiv. i kept getting raw data from the nyu study, but as they are not my primary care physicians they really couldn't tell me much, except this is bad and this is good. my numbers, from the three vl (viral load) tests they did my numbers seem to be going up and down precipitously which had, and still has, me a bit freaked. i am trying to prepare myself for my doctor recommending that i start on meds, though that requires looking into before any decisions are made, if necessary.

they also did a detuned assay which showed that my hiv infection had been long standing, or at least not really recent, which means i was infected, they believe, in november or december of last year. when i went over my postings from that period the one that jumped out at me was the time at the upper west side party when a guy shot inside me when we were two of the last guys there. that was a hot scene so i am sticking with that one. it was also one of the first times, if not the first time that i asked a guy to cum in my ass.

i have been thinking that i made it through almost 19 years of gay sex without getting infected. i am pretty happy about that, although that lack of infection came with much care and safe sex. it seems that once i started taking loads indiscriminately in clubs it only took a month or two for me to become infected. so i guess i am happy, in a way, that it took me as long as it did to start taking loads.