fixation and lethargy
these are the things i planned to do, but haven't done since i did crystal last sunday:
i haven't called my friend as much as i would like, i haven't done my laundry, i haven't been to the gym, i haven't gotten tested, i didn't get renters insurance, i haven't cooked for myself, i didn't see 'the taking of pelham 1 2 3', i haven't gotten to the 'slavery in new york' exhibit yet, haven't done much of anything except work, eat and sleep.
i can see how crystal can be so addictive. i feel like crap for a week or two, yet have this vague memory of feeling really good while partying, so the logical thing to do is to party some more so that i can feel better. obviously that is faulty logic, yet very attractive regardless of how faulty it is.
the guy i partied with last sunday was supposed to call yesterday but did not. that is a good thing, but i must say that a part of me wishes he had called. maybe just so i could have imagined partying again with him. i did email him, twice, letting him know i was sorry we couldn't get together yesterday and that i had fun and would like to get together again. he has not responded to my emails, again, probably a good thing, but again, i wish he had so that there would be that hope that we could party together again.
according to tweaker.org it can take 7 to 10 days to return to your baseline dopamine and serotonin levels once you have crashed after partying. i figure i am going on day 6 now. i look forward to day 10 or 11, which should be next thursday or friday, just to see if i feel any better.
i think i am obsessing about this so much because i am so drawn to it although i know what a bad idea it is. if he showed up at my door right now and toked the pipe with that red and blue flashing lighter, rolled the pipe between his fingers as he inhaled, that little globe filled with swirling white smoke, opaque with smoke and his thumb placed over the opening, the pipe extended to me in friendship or horniness, i don't know what i would do. i have a feeling i would take a deep toke, hold it in as long as i could and then breathe out into his mouth slowly, which i find to be very intimate and erotic. luckily, the odds of such a thing happening are pretty much nil and i should reach day 10 or 11 without incident.
i know i should never do this again, because it is so fraught with danger for me. i am planning on not partying again for at least a month or two. hopefully, my enchantment with it will wear off once i am myself again and i will never do it again. what do you know? i'm ending with 'we will see' again.
i haven't called my friend as much as i would like, i haven't done my laundry, i haven't been to the gym, i haven't gotten tested, i didn't get renters insurance, i haven't cooked for myself, i didn't see 'the taking of pelham 1 2 3', i haven't gotten to the 'slavery in new york' exhibit yet, haven't done much of anything except work, eat and sleep.
i can see how crystal can be so addictive. i feel like crap for a week or two, yet have this vague memory of feeling really good while partying, so the logical thing to do is to party some more so that i can feel better. obviously that is faulty logic, yet very attractive regardless of how faulty it is.
the guy i partied with last sunday was supposed to call yesterday but did not. that is a good thing, but i must say that a part of me wishes he had called. maybe just so i could have imagined partying again with him. i did email him, twice, letting him know i was sorry we couldn't get together yesterday and that i had fun and would like to get together again. he has not responded to my emails, again, probably a good thing, but again, i wish he had so that there would be that hope that we could party together again.
according to tweaker.org it can take 7 to 10 days to return to your baseline dopamine and serotonin levels once you have crashed after partying. i figure i am going on day 6 now. i look forward to day 10 or 11, which should be next thursday or friday, just to see if i feel any better.
i think i am obsessing about this so much because i am so drawn to it although i know what a bad idea it is. if he showed up at my door right now and toked the pipe with that red and blue flashing lighter, rolled the pipe between his fingers as he inhaled, that little globe filled with swirling white smoke, opaque with smoke and his thumb placed over the opening, the pipe extended to me in friendship or horniness, i don't know what i would do. i have a feeling i would take a deep toke, hold it in as long as i could and then breathe out into his mouth slowly, which i find to be very intimate and erotic. luckily, the odds of such a thing happening are pretty much nil and i should reach day 10 or 11 without incident.
i know i should never do this again, because it is so fraught with danger for me. i am planning on not partying again for at least a month or two. hopefully, my enchantment with it will wear off once i am myself again and i will never do it again. what do you know? i'm ending with 'we will see' again.
posted by cosmaz at 5:20 AM
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