what happened?
what happened yesterday? i spent most of the day online, playing runescape and trying to find someone to come over and have sex. i was talking with this guy (poz and with some extreme tastes/experience) who i had seen online but never met. he was talking about getting together and partying if we could get favs (now i know what to call them). he came over and was a nice sexy guy (teeth were a mess though) and he went online to see if any connections had been made and then we proceeded to fool around. it was going well i was happy, he seemed happy and then i kind of fell out of my sexually charged self into a more contemplative un-animalistic me. i don't know exactly why but will go over some possibilities.
maybe it's cause my friend and i are still on the outs from the call waiting fiasco the other night; afraid of becoming poz; no beer and only weak poppers used, too sober, that must mean i can only do this when i am drunk or chemically enhanced in some way or other, doesn't bode well for this behavior being anything more than a fantasy i am too afraid to indulge in without help; he was a nice guy but maybe the teeth bothered me, they were really bad; maybe it was the talk about tina and its effects that made me think, limp dick, chattering and really feeling bad the next day or whenever you come down; i imagined that i saw other signs of aids, lesions, etc. maybe that brought me back; i also think he may have had anal warts, some funny ridgy things around his hole, didn't mention or ask him about it though.
there are probably other reasons also but those are the ones i thought of now. i will still post this today even though it will needed editing and further thought, that can always go into a different post.
i still don't feel very horny or sexual. in fact, i feel liberated or free in a way of this compulsion to have sex with everyone all the time. i also need to say that i know that this feeling of freedom or this feeling of being whole in myself will probably not last. i have felt it before, but it's sunday morning and i need to go to the eye doctors and i feel fine. it must lastly be said that i will probably bring my east/west side club card as well as poppers with me when i go out. just in case.
maybe it's cause my friend and i are still on the outs from the call waiting fiasco the other night; afraid of becoming poz; no beer and only weak poppers used, too sober, that must mean i can only do this when i am drunk or chemically enhanced in some way or other, doesn't bode well for this behavior being anything more than a fantasy i am too afraid to indulge in without help; he was a nice guy but maybe the teeth bothered me, they were really bad; maybe it was the talk about tina and its effects that made me think, limp dick, chattering and really feeling bad the next day or whenever you come down; i imagined that i saw other signs of aids, lesions, etc. maybe that brought me back; i also think he may have had anal warts, some funny ridgy things around his hole, didn't mention or ask him about it though.
there are probably other reasons also but those are the ones i thought of now. i will still post this today even though it will needed editing and further thought, that can always go into a different post.
i still don't feel very horny or sexual. in fact, i feel liberated or free in a way of this compulsion to have sex with everyone all the time. i also need to say that i know that this feeling of freedom or this feeling of being whole in myself will probably not last. i have felt it before, but it's sunday morning and i need to go to the eye doctors and i feel fine. it must lastly be said that i will probably bring my east/west side club card as well as poppers with me when i go out. just in case.
posted by cosmaz at 10:31 AM
1 Comments:
this is really depressing.
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