the cycle of steve

this is how it goes: i meet someone i like, i make a mistake (or more typically a series of mistakes compounding each other) and screw it up and then i punish myself for screwing up (by going out and having risky, promiscuous sex. d'uh, no wonder i screw up so much, i have to find a punishment that will actually deter and not encourage). usually that begins a cycle of self recrimination for a while (a while is a very broad range of time from an hour or two to several weeks) and then i say "toughen up loser" and start over again.

i met the hot dom guy. we went out to brunch on sunday. he mentioned that he had never had an std in his life and didn't want to start now. the switch that occasionally reminds me that i have herpes but hardly ever (knock wood) have any outbreaks clicks and i think...fuck. [i had told him before we met that i was "clean" and we did go over what he meant by that poor and insulting way of indicating "std free to the best of my knowledge" (first mistake)]. do i tell him as soon as i realize that i should have said this before he fucked me raw...no i do not. i am good at rationalizing reasons not doing things that are unpleasant, at least i know i am not alone in this shortcoming. i was going to tell him tonight but ended up talking for too long on the phone, my call waiting went off but it didn't even occur that it might be him confirming for tomorrow (another mistake). we will see how it goes.

lastly, i realize now, but i don't look back, that posting this before i have discussed the situation with him may also have been a really bad idea.