good friday

well, later this morning i am getting tested for the first time since october. i am a little nervous to say the least, and will be happy when i get the results. i will be very much happier if those results are neg. i realize that the results will mean very little as i was fucked raw by a couple of guys less than a week ago, but it will still allow me the luxury of saying that i tested neg in april 06, which sounds a lot better, to me if no one else, than october 05. it will also allow me to entertain for a little longer, the illusion that i can bareback and possibly not become infected. or i can imagine that the delay of my becoming infected allows more time for scientists to come closer to a cure, vaccine or additional treatment options. i haven't noticed any signs of the onset of hiv infection, but i realize that doesn't necessarily mean anything. i have had a sore throat lately and my glands seem a bit swollen, but that may be from the hep a vaccine i got the other day. i thought it would be a good idea to write here before i get the test just in case the results, whatever they are, wreck such a change in me that i couldn't remember what i thought before. or maybe to see if i would write anything useful given the stress i am feeling.

i can't say that i am regretting any of my actions right now. in fact, i am considering taking my membership cards with me so i can hit a club afterwards. not sure though, may also hook up with poz friend. who knows, may just go home and cry, if poz that is, can't imagine a reaction like that if neg. i am sure a poz result will hit hard, but it is something i am half expecting. i also think that getting tested on good friday is not a bad thing, the metaphor linking a poz result to the death of christ is appealing to me, but i'd still rather the result be neg. just imagining that although a poz result may seem, be seen, as a sort of death it may actually lead to a new different sort of life for me and not just in relation to sex.

i often talk with my clinical psychologist, i used to have a certified social worker but have since moved up, about why i have unsafe sex. actually 'why' questions are kind of rough so we usually go with 'what is the appeal' or something similar, that is easier to nail down. part is that i really like the sex; i know most people enjoy sex, but i really love it. i don't think that covers why it needs to be bare. i have had some amazingly hot sex with guys who were rubbered up and some mediocre sex with guys who played raw. i know that the risk, the taboo nature of raw sex is a big turn on, the fact that no one knows or would expect this from me. or is it that the risk is something i am willing to accept because, on some level, i don't see a future so bright that it seems useless to avoid one of the things i love most, raw sex, to strive to live for another 40 or 50 years without it? is it a rebellion against being the responsible person i always feel i have to be and just fucking raw cause i want to and ignore all the responsibilities that i feel towards myself and those who love, care or rely upon me? maybe it is like i said in my last post, that i admire those who have raw sex, think they are cool and want to be like them. it strikes me as way too reminiscent of high school, but just because it's embarrassing doesn't mean it isn't true. i had told my doctor, and i really don't know how accurate this is, that i may just want to see what happens: to see if i can handle and how i would handle a poz diagnosis. i used to tell myself when i was waiting for my results while younger that god would not give me something that i couldn't handle. i don't know if i still believe that, but it ties in with the 'what would happen' idea. am i good enough to handle such a diagnosis now? maybe i see it as a way to change my life, give me an impetus to do things that i wouldn't ordinarily do because my mortality is brought to my attention that much more often. maybe it's just i don't think about any of this and just get into the easy sex of letting someone slide their raw cock into me and fuck until they cum. or better yet, put all of this into a pot and mix it up real good. oh yeah, and as i was writing the line that follows this one i realized that the loneliness i feel probably has something to do with my unsafe sex habits as well. i imagine (hope for?), inaccurately i am sure, that i will have some support network of poz friends though i do believe that is one of those ingredients in this of which there is just a pinch of.

i wish myself good luck and want me to know that whatever happens i will do my best to be there for me. and i love me no matter what.

how soppy is that? god, do i want people to read that? i suppose these are my feelings before my test, now in about 2 hours, and i will leave them for all, whoever reads this, to see. but please don't judge me by them.