wendy and lucy and steve
i saw the movie ‘wendy and lucy’ last night. i wasn't sure what i wanted to see, but seeing as it wasn't up for any oscars and it was a holiday, that movie might be my best bet for a not packed theater so i went for it. it was a beautiful and well acted movie; it was a sad story. wandering around the city after the movie i was thinking about loneliness and consequences of actions and smiling, and not about sex at all.
i know there are people who care about me and love me. at times that is not enough, or it doesn't feel like enough. i would like someone to love and share lots of things with. at this point i don't have that and am not exactly sure how to find it or even if it is worth finding if you have to search for it. i know it is worth finding, but i have my suspicions about the usefulness of searching for it. a guy came over for the first time in a long time yesterday. i had been feeling almost crazed and really longing for sex and when i saw a guy online with whom i usually partied i about saying 'hi,' not that i wanted to get together, or rather, not that i wanted to admit that i wanted to get together. i am trying to avoid the bookstores and hook up online so that i can at least know who i've fucked around with. i don't believe fooling around with them is any safer because, while i know their names and phone numbers, i don’t know how cautious they tend to be when it comes to stds. my chances of having fun, however, are better as are my chances of being comfortable. we had played before and like the last time i had a really nice time: he's a great kisser and has a beautiful ass for eating and fucking. we do talk during our sessions and he is quite the slut. i would like to get to know him better. i asked if he was up for getting something to eat and he declined. i suppose he just isn't interested in getting to know me better, but i want or need to explicitly say: i think you are a nice guy and in addition to eating and fucking and someday getting fucked i want to hang out with you too. as i write this there are guys who have mentioned they would like to hang out together, but they are partnered and while i have hung out with them on occasions and would like to hang out with them again it is not the same. i want sex and a close relationship, not just hanging out when your partner isn’t available. i’m not sure the guy who came over would be up for that but i was hoping. i was also thinking if i only had a partner i wouldn't feel lonely anymore...then i laughed. i am not sure i should have laughed, but i did think it was unlikely that having a partner would eliminate that feeling. i thought about asking people who have partners if they ever feel lonely, but it is a tough question to ask and i haven’t managed to ask it yet. i’m thinking of asking my parents, but that would be a really hard question to ask.
can everything we do possibly be for the best? or is it that you might as well assume it’s for the best because you will never know anyway? that ‘best’ may not be the best for everyone or even a good looking best for anyone. it seems like a crap shoot. our actions ripple across time and people and we can have no idea what would have happened for better or worse if we had taken a different course. regret is useless because who knows what would have happened otherwise. it is hard to keep that in mind though. it makes me think of predestination in a way, but that is not it. what if i hadn’t taken that poz load? ‘who the fuck knows?’ is the only accurate/appropriate response i can think of. so even if i wished i hadn’t taken that load, even if i wished i had never been infected is there anyway to know that that would have been a good thing? it’s very confusing and makes my head hurt because it almost sounds like do whatever the fuck you want and it will work out, but maybe not for the best and maybe not for you/me/whoever. it’s floating and not knowing, it’s existing and accepting; it sounds like a load of crap, but i don’t know that that makes it wrong or inaccurate. our actions do matter it's just that we are unlikely to understand exactly how they matter. that is what conscience, religion and the other influencers on our actions are theoretically for; to give us an idea of what our actions should be. but do these influencers internal or external know any better than our conscious mind does?
shit does happen and you can't smile through all of it. in ‘wendy and lucy’ a fair amount of shit comes wendy’s way and she rarely smiles. i smile a lot. at work, the kids often ask why i smile all the time; i reply: why shouldn't i? after seeing this movie, that strikes me as a poor response. i smile because i am lucky i don't have much to frown about. i have my problems and i decide which ones i’ll frown about and which ones i won’t. things could be worse and there could be very little to be done about it except to struggle on and see what happens, for the most part i doubt if there'd be much smiling involved.
i know there are people who care about me and love me. at times that is not enough, or it doesn't feel like enough. i would like someone to love and share lots of things with. at this point i don't have that and am not exactly sure how to find it or even if it is worth finding if you have to search for it. i know it is worth finding, but i have my suspicions about the usefulness of searching for it. a guy came over for the first time in a long time yesterday. i had been feeling almost crazed and really longing for sex and when i saw a guy online with whom i usually partied i about saying 'hi,' not that i wanted to get together, or rather, not that i wanted to admit that i wanted to get together. i am trying to avoid the bookstores and hook up online so that i can at least know who i've fucked around with. i don't believe fooling around with them is any safer because, while i know their names and phone numbers, i don’t know how cautious they tend to be when it comes to stds. my chances of having fun, however, are better as are my chances of being comfortable. we had played before and like the last time i had a really nice time: he's a great kisser and has a beautiful ass for eating and fucking. we do talk during our sessions and he is quite the slut. i would like to get to know him better. i asked if he was up for getting something to eat and he declined. i suppose he just isn't interested in getting to know me better, but i want or need to explicitly say: i think you are a nice guy and in addition to eating and fucking and someday getting fucked i want to hang out with you too. as i write this there are guys who have mentioned they would like to hang out together, but they are partnered and while i have hung out with them on occasions and would like to hang out with them again it is not the same. i want sex and a close relationship, not just hanging out when your partner isn’t available. i’m not sure the guy who came over would be up for that but i was hoping. i was also thinking if i only had a partner i wouldn't feel lonely anymore...then i laughed. i am not sure i should have laughed, but i did think it was unlikely that having a partner would eliminate that feeling. i thought about asking people who have partners if they ever feel lonely, but it is a tough question to ask and i haven’t managed to ask it yet. i’m thinking of asking my parents, but that would be a really hard question to ask.
can everything we do possibly be for the best? or is it that you might as well assume it’s for the best because you will never know anyway? that ‘best’ may not be the best for everyone or even a good looking best for anyone. it seems like a crap shoot. our actions ripple across time and people and we can have no idea what would have happened for better or worse if we had taken a different course. regret is useless because who knows what would have happened otherwise. it is hard to keep that in mind though. it makes me think of predestination in a way, but that is not it. what if i hadn’t taken that poz load? ‘who the fuck knows?’ is the only accurate/appropriate response i can think of. so even if i wished i hadn’t taken that load, even if i wished i had never been infected is there anyway to know that that would have been a good thing? it’s very confusing and makes my head hurt because it almost sounds like do whatever the fuck you want and it will work out, but maybe not for the best and maybe not for you/me/whoever. it’s floating and not knowing, it’s existing and accepting; it sounds like a load of crap, but i don’t know that that makes it wrong or inaccurate. our actions do matter it's just that we are unlikely to understand exactly how they matter. that is what conscience, religion and the other influencers on our actions are theoretically for; to give us an idea of what our actions should be. but do these influencers internal or external know any better than our conscious mind does?
shit does happen and you can't smile through all of it. in ‘wendy and lucy’ a fair amount of shit comes wendy’s way and she rarely smiles. i smile a lot. at work, the kids often ask why i smile all the time; i reply: why shouldn't i? after seeing this movie, that strikes me as a poor response. i smile because i am lucky i don't have much to frown about. i have my problems and i decide which ones i’ll frown about and which ones i won’t. things could be worse and there could be very little to be done about it except to struggle on and see what happens, for the most part i doubt if there'd be much smiling involved.
posted by cosmaz at 8:05 AM
7 Comments:
Hey Steve,
Would love to be your pen pal man! Fellow Hiver living in Orlando, FL. Would love to hear from you. Take care man, Todd
HoekH2o@aol.com
Speaking from personal experience: do people in long-term monogamous relationships ever feel lonely? Oh, sure. Maybe this is overly pessimistic, but perhaps loneliness is something inherent to the individuality of the human condition; none of us can fully escape it, even though we all yearn to.
That being said, it is a truly wonderful, fairly indescribable feeling to be fully committed to and in love with a person who just feels right down to your core, and who you know feels the same way about you. I suggest you try it if you haven't already. You'll know it if you find that the other person's happiness is as important as your own.
Maybe it's time for a change of pace? New phase of life? Different priorities? I don't know. Isn't it common for both gays and straights to be, uh, more "promiscuous" in one part of their life and then settle down later on? Do whatever makes you happy (as long as it doesn't harm others).
Take care.
Just wanted to say that I'm a long-time reader and am really impressed both by your writing and by the quality of your thought. In a sense, I couldn't be any LESS like you--am gay but never had anonymous sex, never wanted to, still find it unappealing. I have more of a classically female perspective on sex: I want to know the person first. I am in a 20-year relationship and live in the suburbs. I am happy with my partner, but God yes I get lonely and sometimes frustrated.
It seems to me that single people spin a fantasy that being in a relationship will somehow solve everything, but it doesn't--in some ways it makes it "worse." You are who you are, and the things that define you for good and for ill will be there forever...or until you face them and deal with them. A relationship or marriage or kids or whatever isn't going to change that. It may in fact amplify it. For good and for ill.
Please keep posting.
I believe our decisions are of supreme importance to ourselves and to all the world around us. We might not be able to control the effects of a decision, but every last thing that happens as a result of one always happens for a reason.
I know that my life is very different from yours, but reading your blog, there's a lot that I can understand and relate to. I know what it's like to try to have control over my actions, but instead getting sucked into the same old situations. I know what it's like to not have real happiness and instead try to find it in booze, drugs or all the other things in live that never result in happiness that lasts.
Your risky decisions about sex and crystal set you down a path that led to your becoming poz. Do you see that as a curse? Maybe one day you will see it as a blessing, something that brought you new responsibility and a reason to care more for yourself and those around you. I had my own "Good Friday Tragedy," and while it first brought months of mental illness and therapy, four years later, like a heart attack victim saved on the operating table, I have a new lease on life (and many new reasons to live).
I believe the pain in your life comes from a lack of Love, Faith, and Hope. Seek those things and you will find yourself on a radically different path.
May you always be aware of how much you are loved,
Doug
p.s. If you walk to talk, Google kguy3387 and you'll find me.
I never post on these things and happened to fall upon your blog. I'm a black guy who is 24 and had a few risky occasions which i later found out was due to my bipolarism. I got treated and now am doing better. Don't know if this is your case but it might be. I apologize from my heart that I didn't find this blog until today. Maybe i could have helped. I remaing long years of your life allow you to find the peace and love everyone deserves.
Hey man, happened upon your blog tonight and read the whole thing. You are an amazing person and it was an incredible experience to share your journey. Not unlike my own. Pls. drop me a line if you feel like it - would love to know how you are doing today. -Dan (mattdanbb@hotmail.com) (www.mattanddanssexualadventures.blogspot.com)
I've always wondered what happened to this guy and his blog. If you're out there, drop me a line, I feel weirdly attached to you after reading so much intimate writing. scruffcub77 at gmail.
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