decisions, decisions
i took my last shot of interferon on december 27 so now all that is left, hopefully, is to wait and see if the treatment worked. while waiting i mean to try to be safe, but it is that odd/hypocritical safe that really isn’t safe at all. stopping by an adult bookstore and fucking whatever sweet ass i am presented with, though i can’t say i’m presented with many, is not safe, but it’s not a premeditated, planned risk; instead it's one of those nice ‘who would have guessed this would happen’ risks.
when a guy who i had a great time over the summer told me that his trip to florida was great and he had had tons of sex i became unsure of hooking up with him, though i had contacted him in order to hook up again knowing he had gone to florida and knowing he had probably had tons of sex while down there. i would love to hook up with him again, but at the same time i fear what he brings with him after tons of sex. i am not blind, not in retrospect at least, to the fact that a guy who backs his ass up to a gloryhole in nyc and takes my load up his ass is probably also having tons of sex and bringing similar things with him, that i would also fear if i weren't hard and needing/wanting it at the moment.
my uncertainty comes from second and succeeding thoughts, not from any new information. my uncertainty comes from not deciding (d'uh! believe it or not this is a fucking revelation to me). i need to decide. decide what i’m willing to do and stick with it. decide that my preferences, concerns, needs should come before the imagined responses of sexual partners who may, or may not take offense to my decisions. decide to do what i decide to do. all this deciding, and sticking with decisions sounds like work though, and it’s so much easier to fool myself and stop at a bookstore and be pleasantly surprised by what happens there (the worry afterwards doesn’t last that long), but then i’d have to write another post like this one and the many like it i’ve written before.
when a guy who i had a great time over the summer told me that his trip to florida was great and he had had tons of sex i became unsure of hooking up with him, though i had contacted him in order to hook up again knowing he had gone to florida and knowing he had probably had tons of sex while down there. i would love to hook up with him again, but at the same time i fear what he brings with him after tons of sex. i am not blind, not in retrospect at least, to the fact that a guy who backs his ass up to a gloryhole in nyc and takes my load up his ass is probably also having tons of sex and bringing similar things with him, that i would also fear if i weren't hard and needing/wanting it at the moment.
my uncertainty comes from second and succeeding thoughts, not from any new information. my uncertainty comes from not deciding (d'uh! believe it or not this is a fucking revelation to me). i need to decide. decide what i’m willing to do and stick with it. decide that my preferences, concerns, needs should come before the imagined responses of sexual partners who may, or may not take offense to my decisions. decide to do what i decide to do. all this deciding, and sticking with decisions sounds like work though, and it’s so much easier to fool myself and stop at a bookstore and be pleasantly surprised by what happens there (the worry afterwards doesn’t last that long), but then i’d have to write another post like this one and the many like it i’ve written before.
posted by cosmaz at 6:05 AM
3 Comments:
What about the guy on the receiving end of your load man?? You have to make decisions not only for yourself but others too... are you not still pretty contagious with HIV not to mention Hep C?? Keep up the posting tho man, there's lots of people thinking 'bout ya.
I really enjoy reading your posts because you understand that you're a sexual creature by nature, and yet you battle with yourself over right and wrong. We've gone through some very similar emotions, friend. Keep up the great blog.
I happened to visit your blog by accident and quickly bookmarked it for future visits.
Your writing style and innovations are absolutely impressive.
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