365 days later

this past labor day marked the passage of one year since i broke up with my ex-boyfriend. or the day after it did as last labor day was 9/5 and this one was 9/4. either way i miss having him in my life. i hope he is doing well and is happy. i wonder where he is. i am not sure if he is still in the city or if he's gone back to mexico or if he's moved someplace else in the states. i still imagine i see him from time to time (there are a lot of mexicans in nyc) and i freeze, or get scared, but not nearly as often as i did a year ago.

i was lucky to be able to hang out with some friends the day before labor day, and although we got together to party we were not able to find someone who was interested in hanging with all 3 or 4 of us, or at least not interested enough to follow through of meeting up. i have to say that although i do not want to go back to cma meetings i can see the usefulness of it. i had, again, resolved not to party unless i had a couple of days ahead of me free in which to recover. i was on the cusp of this anniversary and a little distressed when i saw a guy i knew had checked out my profile on bnskin and i decided to see what he was up to. when he said he was looking to party any resolutions i had made went straight out the window. we quickly made plans to hook up in times square because he had a connection and i had some cash. unfortunately, as i suppose happens with some frequency, the connection fell through (now i know what ‘swirly’ means) and we had both traveled from brooklyn for nothing. we went back to his place and hung out with another friend and cruised around online (bnskin and manhunt), but no one was interested in all three of us and the one they were interested in was nice enough not to leave us to go hook up alone (though i wouldn't be surprised or blame him if at some point during the night he regretted that decision to a greater or lesser extent). one guy was nice enough to send a private pic on bnskin that showed him hitting the pipe, we opened that one up quite a few times, and aaaahhh’ed in envy and approval. another friend, who also lived there, arrived and we kept looking and finally found someone who said he wanted to slam and could accommodate all 4 of us. by this time it was a good deal later and my inclination to party had lessened quite a bit. i think that was due to my happiness with just hanging out with friends, i do believe that my use is based mainly on the socializing that comes with it. maybe the slamming had me a bit worried or uneasy as well, even though i had made it clear i wouldn’t be slamming and everyone was cool with that. even though i wasn't sure about going out and partying i went anyway and assumed that this guy would flake out the way so many others tend to. we got into the city and my friend made the call to find that our connection had realized that he didn't have as much t as he thought he did, but he should be able to get some later that morning. we had made yet another fruitless trek to the city and were walking around trying to figure out what to do. we ended up going to the rawhide and had a pretty good time there. as we were walking back to the subway, at around 4 in the morning, i felt so blessed and happy that i had these people to hang out with on what i had worried would be a rough day. i ended up going back to their place and although i got almost no sleep, because my friend’s room gets way too much sun early in the morning i was most happy. then we hung out some more and talked about sex and drugs, which is always fun in my book and around 12 or 1 i headed back to my apartment.

so why did i not tell them that i wasn't sure about partying? i was pleased with myself earlier that night because while talking about porn someone mentioned the movie 'stump' about amputee sex, and mentioned how sick that was. i hesitated, but then said how i always thought that that would be hot. there was no chastising me for my peculiar tastes and i was pleased that i got myself to say something that i assumed was not popular. yet later, when i wasn't sure about partying i didn't say anything. i suppose i was worried that i might not be welcome, or at least not welcome back if i backed out from partying. i am pretty certain that it was an irrational concern, but at the time it was something i worried about. i feel and fear that i have a tenuous hold on people's affections and interest, and this bothers and worries me much more than i wish it did. my tendency to hook-up online probably doesn’t help this preoccupation of mine much, as many, but not all, of the guys i meet tend to confirm my fear of only having tenuous connections.

to continue with my day: i went back to my place, cleaned up, checked out the movie listings and got something to eat. i had wanted to see 2 movies because that’s what i did last labor day, one with my boyfriend (after the movie ex) we saw ‘red eye,’ and then one after i had escaped brooklyn to lose myself in the big city ‘charlie and the chocolate factory.’ i was beat this labor day and thought to myself, why the fuck should i run myself ragged for some idea of symmetry or neatness that doesn’t matter. so i hung out in union square, dozed off a bit on a bench, watched a brother and sister analyze the chess moves they were about to make to a hilarious degree (i’m certain the guy they were playing was letting them win) and then went to the quad 4 to see ‘riding alone for thousands of mile.’

it was a good movie and i’m glad i saw it; it was a somewhat sad story and i cried through a fair amount of it, and proceeded to cry as i left the cinema and made my way towards the subway. as i walked down 14th crying i thought that it was about time to shelve this sadness, i don't know if i can or will, but i think the fact that i thought that is a good sign. i imagine it will be difficult because he was 'the one,' for a while at least. i think, quite honestly, that the crying is a bit self indulgent. i don't know why, but sometimes i find myself consciously thinking about him and our relationship (by consciously i mean willfully thinking about something instead of it just popping into my head) with no particular reason in mind that i can discern except for wanting to feel bad or sad or make myself cry. there must be some reason for it, but i’m not sure what it is. maybe i want to feel bad and have a little pity party for myself, but i know better and scold myself gently for wasting the time and energy.

i think i have changed over the year since we broke up. i seem to be much more comfortable with my sexual escapades, i only feel bad about them when they don't bring me the pleasure and satisfaction that i am looking for, and that doesn't happen very often. i still have some problems letting guys (and outside of sex letting other people) know exactly what i am up for sometimes (see above), but i've gotten much better at it. i've become infected with hiv and while that sucks, it was something i knew would happen so i am getting better at accepting it and more accustomed to it. i've developed a nice tina addiction and am working on when and how i can fit it into my life in a way that i can handle (notice there was no 'if' in that sentence). most importantly, i am happier now than i was a year ago, or even a year and a half ago when we were still together (on some level at least), and for that i am very thankful.