fooling myself
well i didn't hear from the nyu study regarding my definitive tests on friday. as the week progressed i dwelled more and more on this one percent chance of a false positive, magnifying its likelihood and believing that the results were indeed falsely positive. i have a paltry three straws in my hand to sustain this fantasy. i never got as sick as i have heard that people get when they experience initial HIV infection, no nightsweats, rashes, or severe flu-like symptoms. the second is that nyu did not call me on friday. i have this idea that they would let me swing in the breeze over the weekend so that i can further ponder the folly of my ways. i don't believe they would do that, there has not been anything in my interactions with anyone in the study that would indicate they would. the third reason i'm magnifying this hope, is the possibility that my inoculation for hepatitis a a couple of days before could have provoked an immune reaction that would cause a false positive on the quick test, this sounds like my best hope right now, but an internet search for "hepatitis a vaccine" and "false positive hiv" did not bring up any relevant hits. so it is a one percent chance and no more than that.
i went over my poz friend's house and we partied again. i notice that he seems more upbeat and happy when he is partying. we had a really nice time, but giving him a blow job is such a pain when there is pressure to do it just right for an extended period: straight up and down, don't swivel, you're not moving your hand, grip tight, suction, i need suction, don't half step now, i'm almost there. i usually blow up at some point, in my understated way of course, and tell him i am doing my best and when i stop it's because i can't go any further without a break. he is always nice about it and acknowledges that he is a pain to give a blow job to but that he is only trying to help. this was the point, yesterday when he offered me the pipe and the night got more interesting. i find that my stamina does really increase while using crystal and any pain, or tiredness i am feeling is not quite as important. i don't know how much i smoked but it was a lot because i am still a little shaky. i really need to get better, if i'm going to continue using crystal, at not taking a hit every time someone offers me the pipe. i think it would go much better if i considered whether or not i am high enough or need a little boost. i accepted every time he offered last night and man was i fucked up when i left. i also drank some of his tina piss and it didn't taste as bad as i had heard (but can't remember where) it would, but when it hit my stomach i felt rather sick. i was waiting in the elevator for him and looked at myself in the glass, my pupils were like saucers, i mean really huge, you could just make out the thin line of my iris. i stopped at a diner and made sure i ate something, but i was eating very slowly. i had some tea, because i felt it may calm me down a bit, i don't know that it did. as i walked down second ave, drawing closer and closer to the sex club el mirage coincidently, i thought that i would stop by a store and get some water and gum, once in the store i thought that maybe a beer would be a good idea too. i did think that the beer would sedate me a bit, but i have read (again i can't find the citation, how embarrassing for a librarian) that alcohol and meth is a really bad idea, healthwise that is. thankfully any adverse consequences of this bad move seem to be shunted off into the future. i had a plan to get a cab and then ask the driver to ask me when we got to houston if i wanted to make a good move or a bad choice. odds are it would not have worked out well had i done that, but it didn't matter because i just told him "253 east houston," and didn't say another word. i now have the grand slam: membership in all four of new york's sex venues. i know there is the northern men's sauna in queens which i have never visited, but as those of us living in the outer boroughs know: if it's not in manhattan it's not in new york. it was nice; i got there around 2:30, stayed until 5:30. i fooled around with a couple hot guys and fucked a couple really nice holes, but i didn't get fucked. i meant not to get fucked because the friend i had partied with earlier was supposed to come over that day (didn't, i was too beat), and he and i have a dom/sub relationship and i knew he wouldn't want me getting fucked by someone before he fucked me. however, my not getting fucked may also be related to my remaining, not to be inflated, one percent chance.
i went over my poz friend's house and we partied again. i notice that he seems more upbeat and happy when he is partying. we had a really nice time, but giving him a blow job is such a pain when there is pressure to do it just right for an extended period: straight up and down, don't swivel, you're not moving your hand, grip tight, suction, i need suction, don't half step now, i'm almost there. i usually blow up at some point, in my understated way of course, and tell him i am doing my best and when i stop it's because i can't go any further without a break. he is always nice about it and acknowledges that he is a pain to give a blow job to but that he is only trying to help. this was the point, yesterday when he offered me the pipe and the night got more interesting. i find that my stamina does really increase while using crystal and any pain, or tiredness i am feeling is not quite as important. i don't know how much i smoked but it was a lot because i am still a little shaky. i really need to get better, if i'm going to continue using crystal, at not taking a hit every time someone offers me the pipe. i think it would go much better if i considered whether or not i am high enough or need a little boost. i accepted every time he offered last night and man was i fucked up when i left. i also drank some of his tina piss and it didn't taste as bad as i had heard (but can't remember where) it would, but when it hit my stomach i felt rather sick. i was waiting in the elevator for him and looked at myself in the glass, my pupils were like saucers, i mean really huge, you could just make out the thin line of my iris. i stopped at a diner and made sure i ate something, but i was eating very slowly. i had some tea, because i felt it may calm me down a bit, i don't know that it did. as i walked down second ave, drawing closer and closer to the sex club el mirage coincidently, i thought that i would stop by a store and get some water and gum, once in the store i thought that maybe a beer would be a good idea too. i did think that the beer would sedate me a bit, but i have read (again i can't find the citation, how embarrassing for a librarian) that alcohol and meth is a really bad idea, healthwise that is. thankfully any adverse consequences of this bad move seem to be shunted off into the future. i had a plan to get a cab and then ask the driver to ask me when we got to houston if i wanted to make a good move or a bad choice. odds are it would not have worked out well had i done that, but it didn't matter because i just told him "253 east houston," and didn't say another word. i now have the grand slam: membership in all four of new york's sex venues. i know there is the northern men's sauna in queens which i have never visited, but as those of us living in the outer boroughs know: if it's not in manhattan it's not in new york. it was nice; i got there around 2:30, stayed until 5:30. i fooled around with a couple hot guys and fucked a couple really nice holes, but i didn't get fucked. i meant not to get fucked because the friend i had partied with earlier was supposed to come over that day (didn't, i was too beat), and he and i have a dom/sub relationship and i knew he wouldn't want me getting fucked by someone before he fucked me. however, my not getting fucked may also be related to my remaining, not to be inflated, one percent chance.
posted by cosmaz at 11:33 AM
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